judge holden

top 10 craigslist personal ad responses

Jesus walks. Pigs fly. The sky rains men. This blog gets updated twice in one month.

Yes, miracles happen. And although the raining men thing doesn't happen as often as I'd like... 

...when it rains, it pours.

 

You see, a couple of months ago, I was bored at 3AM and decided to go on a craigslist online dating safari. My w4m post was standard: occupation, hobbies, interests, photo, a few jokes about midgets. I figured I'd get a handful of responses, mostly from uglies and people trying to send me pictures of their junk.

But this, this I did not expect. 600 e-mails. Every single one of them an intelligent, engaging response; all of them from men of a rare breed, a higher caliber. Greek gods. The kind of man your mother dreams about you marrying until she wakes up and hates herself for stupidly thinking you might ever have a chance.

I spent quite a few days trying to decide which of these chiseled studs I would propose to immediately over e-mail. I ended up replying to all of them. Three months and 600 relationships later, disaster struck - in a fit of PMS-charged insanity, I accepted a job offer in the Bay Area and moved, forever destroying any prospect I would ever have for a happy marriage. But while life giveth and taketh away, I only giveth. In fact, I'm givething you the chance to get to know not one, but ten (10!!!) of my favorite Prince Charmings. Now that I'm no longer around, they're all ripe for the picking.

Warning: The seductive language and come-hither expressions below may lead to feelings best described as "hot and bothered." In order to cope with such feelings, I am glad to introduce you to any of these fine specimens, provided that you don't mind my sloppy seconds.

(Note: These are all ACTUAL responses I actually got back in November to a perfectly normal w4m posting. Some of the best ones didn't come with any pictures, but some of them came with really sensual pictures, which should make up for it. You win some, you lose some).

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10) I didn't thing I knew him, but I sure wantsted to.

(no photo)

"wants to know more about u,i thing u know me...
i look for a gf and who can take and taking care each other."

I didn't respond, but the next day I got this from him:

"can we meet???"

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9) I found this email to be more endearing than funny. Ignore it and just look at the priceless photo.

"Work in photography, still goin to school.. Takin my time there, yet I may just gather some units and go be a superhero.. Or just a cop.. Save a cat fro ma tree one day at a time.. But yeah, well, ill include an awesome pic of my wonderful self, and if it sparx and interest, guess get back to me? Either way, take care."

 

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8) Everyone loves a philanthropist.

(no photo)

"you look so scared in one one of your pics.. it's okay...

i have been there. i was there yesterday, i am there now. it's ok. it is a very dark place. it's ok. i have a very strong support group. i would love to share with you.

do you want to share with me?

my name is danny."

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7) A tribute to the great e.e. cummings

(no picture)

"1 m K-T Hi there My names Eric.
Um lets see where do I start/
Ok why im up so late on craigslist ...
See it all started when th............ then I ......
No for Real Im just bored cant sleep my roomate is snoring
And I dont mean in a nice gental way ether I mean this guy
is a bear..haha Enough talkin crap about my roommate
What do I do for fun.... i study writing is what I do... Kind of a poet
just moved down here from Eugene Oregon and have been having
trouble making friends.. Also just lost my job about 2 weeks ago...thats
a bummer I mean as a Chef you think I could find a good job,

Hope to hear from you ! Cho
Eric"

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6) For the woman who lives vicariously through high school yearbook photos.

"Hello.How are u?
I saw ur post on CL but u never mentioned ur age range,so I decided to give it a try.
I think ur very cute and since ur not sure what ur looking for there,can I suggest a friend to take u to watch the Lakers?I have great seats...
I'm asian,35(but I look 34!),5'9",175 lbs,very friendly,honest and understanding.Not much of a talker but a good listener...
Well,let me know if this sounds interesting to u.
Take care and have a wonderful day!"

 

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5) More yearbook fun + a smidgen of tan line badonkadonk

"I am 32, 5'10, 160, single no kids, college educated software consultant, d&d free, emotionally and financially secure. I live in Pasadena and I am looking to expand my current circle of friends. Please send your contact information if interested."
Thanks -Chris.
 

 

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4) I was really into this guy when I saw the first photo but the second one made me think that he was a bit tooooo much of an intellectual. Like, the type of guy that will spend over an hour explaining the nuances of that one Steadicam shot in that obscure Kurosawa film that was the most postmodern act of cinematography ever to grace this earth. It only makes it more profound that he's sitting on a grave while thinking about this shit.

  "If you like what you see and feeling a brotha, hit me back on my personal which is feelthisbrotha at ya hoo dot cum or just call me direct on my cell which is  323 684-xxxx & my name is Jock, stay sweet sexy,later
J "

 

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3) Our bronze medal winner's personality shines through his concern for the upper class' educational costs.

"...why are you holding that pillow..???....baby bump perhaps.....did a celebrity knock you up after a bicycle party...???.......hmmm...plz be careful out there....the cost of private school isescalating...!!"

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2) Second place goes to the bachelor with X-ray vision.

(no photo)

"I can tell you have big PUSSYLABIA...am I right?

Am I right?

 

I have this talent...and I am always right...

 

please confirm I am and don t be embarassed.

 

Do you know what pussylabia are?

maybe you don't;)

30 years old italian professional in west LA.

 

Thanks"

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1) Last but not least, our #1 bachelor, the scrumptious Marlon - my soulmate in heaven

"You are cute. I have something hard for you. 
A riddle? perhaps.
what is it that I have hard for you?
facts, cold hard numbers regarding the economic downturn. I noticed that you are NOT looking for sex, so it is anyones guess what the answer woudl have been otherly.
Yeah, I make up words. 
Cause I'm allowed to.
I am an aries.
mmmmhm,
yeah and I actually amde that sound as I wrote it ...mmmmhmmm, ahhhhh feels good. don't it?
Well, I would like to hang out...you seem like my type and shit and whatever.
But yeah, I have no game. So if you are into Monopoly..you will not be knocking that shit over on my floor.
BITCH.
damn dog keeps walking in the room.
sorry.
yeah
ummmhmmmm
 
Marlon"

 

semantics fail

I would say this is the quote of the day, but it is likely the quote of the year, considering how often I update this thing.

Me: So what is your favorite kind of cheese?

B: Well, I don't know if I have a favorite but here's one: "Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?" Oh, and there's always "If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses you would see the 12 most beautiful things in the world..."

Me: I was actually thinking about real cheese. Like, your favorite kind to eat. I like gruyere.

B: Wow. Fail.

wait, why am I moving to San Francisco?

So recently I had a conversation that went something like this:

Hippie: I would love to be a bartender because you can meet all kinds of people and hear their stories!
Me: That's true, but you have to deal with so many messy drunk people. I personally couldn't handle that.
Hippie: Yeah, well, maybe you're just close minded!

Gosh, you say that like it's a bad thing.

I mean, sure, it's good to entertain different opinions and try new things, but not at the cost of having a value system. The things you are judgmental (or not judgmental) about determine your personality and core values, and thus make you an individual. For example, who would I be if I didn't talk shit about hippies for being into free love, excessive drug use, bad hygiene, and calling me close minded about the dumbest shit?

Here's a pretty extreme example. Have you ever met someone who likes everything and everyone? People like that are always reeeeeally nice, never judge you for anything, and therefore are impossible to openly dislike. But at the same time, they have no personality of their own. It's like they're alien robots from the planet Kind or something. Their total open-mindedness and inability to pass judgment on anything more meaningful than their favorite breakfast cereal is, on some level, loathsome.

And best quantified in chart form.

raised from the dead

A recent poll of devoted Judge Holden readers found that 100% would like to see this blog revived, the margin of error being 0 percentage points because I made sure to track down all three of them.

In all honesty, I simply ran out of things to write about. I mean, I could tell you all about my steamy affair with unemployment. Or write epic poetry about my Blackberry surviving a 60-foot roller coaster fall at Six Flags. Or maybe you haven't heard enough Palin jokes yet? But you, o valiant seeker of wit on the internetz, you are a most discerning reader. I wouldn't have dared to disappoint you. You have a most refined palate when it comes to your blog-reading.

This also probably means you are a hipster. But I digress.

From now on, I'm going to try reeeeaaally hard to think of things to write about. Know that it's mainly for selfish reasons. Unemployment has got me feeling restless, uninspired, and materialistic and I figure writing this thing is the last semi-creative outlet I have left. And whatever part of my brain is involved in writing this blog is probably the only part that hasn't turned into post-grad mush yet. This same part must also be involved in processing baby animals, because cuteoverload.com still makes a lot of sense to me, unlike algebra.

So anyway, happy Obama. Now that we've gotten all that out of the way, we can finally focus on some real social issues, namely the growing addiction that is plaguing the people of America: the digital camera. I was at a Hot Chip show a few weeks ago -- they're a blast live, by the way -- and this one girl near me stood with her back to the stage the whole time because she was taking pictures of herself with the band in the background. I mean, I understand we all need our MySpace angles to feel validated sometimes, but when you actually spend money (in this case, $40) just to seek out the perfect photographic background for your fix, it's time to think about rehab. If you or a loved one are abusing and need help, I hear there's a cure called Polaroid that forces you to photograph in moderation. In all seriousness, it concerns me that people are taking so many pictures these days that they're forgetting to put down the camera and actually experience the places, things, and events they are photographing. It's one thing to capture memories, but I'm willing to bet that the majority of photoholics never look twice at the 3,492 photos of New Year's Eve that didn't make it into a Facebook album.

Okay, so it's always fun when I end my post with a funny picture or a picture of shoes. But I haven't bought any shoes lately. I'm sorry, but today you'll have to settle for something cute instead.

(http://thecutest.info)

missing in action

Sorry, guys. In between my quarter-life crisis over my impending doom -- er, I mean graduation -- and my attempt to save my heart and my sanity due to some personal issues, I have not had the chance to think of anything entertaining, let alone write about it. The fire is gone. So I will either write about very serious things or nothing at all. But probably very serious things, because it seems that I have turned into a very serious person behind my own back. Traitor!

But in the spirit of pretending I am someone that I'm not anymore, let's talk about the London 2012 Olympics logo. And the fact that a five-year-old aspiring graphic designer with a penchant for all things 80s is now rolling around in a diamond-encrusted sandbox because he convinced Britain to pay him 400,000 pounds to make their Olympic logo with fingerpaints.

If you think I'm kidding about the logo and the price tag, google it. I am a very serious person now, you know, and this is serious business.

top 10 pelican books from way back when

While technology around us is improving at lightning speeds, I have come to the conclusion that the art of the book cover is, in fact, regressing. You see, book covers and their corresponding titles used to tell it like it is. They disregarded political correctness for old-fashioned honesty. They were simple, but profound. They told truths we were afraid to admit to ourselves. Nowadays we have book covers with all this abstract art mumbo-jumbo and vague titles, so of course you can't judge a book by its cover. Not anymore, that is. (Pictures thanks to Jason, Things Magazine, and Pelican Books)

10. Thomas, you're my boyfriend and I like you plenty, but I've always known that you share a secret language with monkeys. You men, you think you can fool us, but we see you at the zoo, whispering into the chimp's cage; we see you in the forest, howling for your orangutan friends; we see you in the theatre watching King Kong, encouraging the animated beast in your native ape-man tongue. Plus you all act like gorillas, which doesn't really help your cause.

9. The first all-encompassing instruction manual to this dangerous mammalian species! With chapters like "Your Taxi Driver is Always a Terrorist" and "On the Eighth Day Satan Created Iraqis," your whole family is sure to love this book for years to come! And guess what!? If you call right now, we'll give you this guide for only 19.99, and we'll even throw in a FREE Koran for you to burn in the comfort of your own home. Yes, America, now is the time for you to see your enemy interact in its natural habitat! No CODs, must be 18 or older to call, Huckabee 08 sticker sold separately.

8. Fuck the system! We're going to bake a layer cake out of it, and then we're gonna decorate it with rainbow sprinkles, and then we're gonna fucking eat it. I'm gonna stuff my face with your capitalist bullshit! I'm gonna make you bleed through layers of Coolwhip!

7. Clearly they hadn't discovered Carl Sagan or particle physics yet.

6. Sir yes sir, we have already ravaged every single Iraqi woman in the area. It seems we have no choice tonight but to call in those tight young Blackwater men. Sir yes sir, a group discount is available on Mondays. Right away, sir.

5. Mommy, look! Colored people even live in colored houses!

4. Sir, we regret to inform you that your job just got pwned. In more ways than one. Do not pass "Go." Do not collect $200.

3. Woah, lowly freshman, have some respect, you're talking to a senior citizen here. Yeah, you heard me. Excuse me? You say I can't be one since I'm only 20? Well, go anal yourself. I am a citizen, and I have seniority over you, so I'm definitely the senior citizen here. When I'm 74 and you're 72 I'll still be the senior citizen, but you'll just be an old person.

2. Just because you're really turned on right now does not mean you like child pornography. No no, I totally believe you, you were just checking out her rack, I get it. Okay, shut up already, it's becoming less believable the more defensive you get...

1. YES, SINCE YOU ASKED, I AM FUCKING PMSING. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I FEEL? THIS IS HOW I FUCKING FEEL. LOOK AT THE FUCKING PICTURE.

a graduating senior reflects

Someone at Stanford seems to have gotten their hands on the real USC application (the one that all us admitted students were sworn to secrecy about) and published it in their school newspaper. It deeply hurts me to post this because I've spent the past few years pretending my 50-million dollar inheritance had nothing to do with my college acceptance, but now that the truth is out I'd rather you hear it from me first.

Now don't think that I wasn't extremely offended by this application when I first saw it-- I was. It clearly discriminates against East Coast applicants by providing space for a Palm Springs address but not a Hamptons one. While I did grudgingly end up filling out this racist application, I did attach a statement where I explained that my family's five vacation McMansions in Easthampton should more than make up for not having a crappy desert villa in bumblefuck Palm Springs.

one if by land

Fact: Two out of three people I know, when asked by me what they thought of today's results in Iowa, thought I was referring to sports scores. This is extremely dumb -- not because all college students should be at least vaguely aware of what's going on in their country (too much to ask) -- but because all of these people are my friends and should know by now that I hate watching sports, let alone discussing them. Tsk tsk.

But back to gubbernment. Let us celebrate this politically-charged day with the announcement of a new Iraq strategy made 'specially for my friend Mr. Bush. I am totally serious in my support of this strategy, not just because I thought of it myself (though that definitely weighs heavily), but because I honestly think that it would be infinitely more attractive to Mr. Presidente than any idea the Dems or Gops have floating around now.

It goes something like this: Bush announces an immediate pullout of troops from Iraq. As immediate as, say, next Tuesday. Okay, more like within a few months, realistically. Now, this is not to say he actually needs to MEAN it, all he has to do is make sure both Americans and Iraqis believe him. This will kill two birds with one stone: The American public will be appeased because they think Bush is finally coming to his senses, and Bush will be able to scare the shit out of the Iraqis (since they know we've put ourselves in a situation that will only get worse if we pull out right now, awesome). This will cause either of two things: 1) the Iraqi government will be so frightened by the implications of a quick pullout that they will finally attempt to get their shit together, or 2) the Iraqi government won't get anything done and chaos will erupt, therefore securing the need for American troops in Iraq for years to come. Either way, the result would be fabulous for Bush: If Iraq gets its shit together even temporarily, then Bush would get some fraction of those dreamy post-9/11 approval ratings back and possibly not be remembered as the worst president ever in the annals of history and make a Republican win in '08 slightly less impossible. If that doesn't work, he can say "at least I tried, so shut up" and no one will be able to say anything against that because it will actually be true (for once).

The moral of this story is: Iraq is EZ!

just thought this was beautiful

philistine design

flanchraych family sock dynamics

So the other day I was about to put on my boots when I realized that I had no socks. None. Not even dirty ones. It seems that during these past few months of warm weather and lazy flip-flop wearing, all my socks went rogue on me. Those sly motherfuckers-- they snuck out of my closet leaving me with no option other than to change my whole outfit. Or risk a relapse of athlete's foot.

If you ever come into contact with said backstabbing footwear, please pass along a message from me:

See if I care, bitchez. I'm wearing my boots anyway.

I refuse to swallow my pride. Athlete's foot it is.

Having no socks makes me think back to when I was living in New York with my parents. We had a sock-sharing system that generally went like this: I would always run out of socks because I was lazy about doing laundry. So I'd start wearing my mother's socks, but since we both were wearing her socks they'd run out quickly. And then both my mother and I would start wearing my dad's socks. And although the three of us were now all wearing socks from the same pile, they would never run out (My dad has unlimited socks-- the only possible explanation is that they reproduce asexually whenever their population feels threatened. Or perhaps my father has a secret compulsion to wash socks whenever my mother and I aren't looking). But eventually my mother would force me to do laundry and the cycle would start over again.

On a kind-of-but-not-really related note, I am obsessed with my new John Fluevog shoes even though they look like curtains and hurt like a mutha.