Jesus walks. Pigs fly. The sky rains men. This blog gets updated twice in one month.
Yes, miracles happen. And although the raining men thing doesn't happen as often as I'd like...
...when it rains, it pours.
You see, a couple of months ago, I was bored at 3AM and decided to go on a craigslist online dating safari. My w4m post was standard: occupation, hobbies, interests, photo, a few jokes about midgets. I figured I'd get a handful of responses, mostly from uglies and people trying to send me pictures of their junk.
But this, this I did not expect. 600 e-mails. Every single one of them an intelligent, engaging response; all of them from men of a rare breed, a higher caliber. Greek gods. The kind of man your mother dreams about you marrying until she wakes up and hates herself for stupidly thinking you might ever have a chance.
I spent quite a few days trying to decide which of these chiseled studs I would propose to immediately over e-mail. I ended up replying to all of them. Three months and 600 relationships later, disaster struck - in a fit of PMS-charged insanity, I accepted a job offer in the Bay Area and moved, forever destroying any prospect I would ever have for a happy marriage. But while life giveth and taketh away, I only giveth. In fact, I'm givething you the chance to get to know not one, but ten (10!!!) of my favorite Prince Charmings. Now that I'm no longer around, they're all ripe for the picking.
Warning: The seductive language and come-hither expressions below may lead to feelings best described as "hot and bothered." In order to cope with such feelings, I am glad to introduce you to any of these fine specimens, provided that you don't mind my sloppy seconds.
(Note: These are all ACTUAL responses I actually got back in November to a perfectly normal w4m posting. Some of the best ones didn't come with any pictures, but some of them came with really sensual pictures, which should make up for it. You win some, you lose some).
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10) I didn't thing I knew him, but I sure wantsted to.
(no photo)
"wants to know more about u,i thing u know me...
i look for a gf and who can take and taking care each other."
I didn't respond, but the next day I got this from him:
"can we meet???"
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9) I found this email to be more endearing than funny. Ignore it and just look at the priceless photo.
"Work in photography, still goin to school.. Takin my time there, yet I may just gather some units and go be a superhero.. Or just a cop.. Save a cat fro ma tree one day at a time.. But yeah, well, ill include an awesome pic of my wonderful self, and if it sparx and interest, guess get back to me? Either way, take care."
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8) Everyone loves a philanthropist.
(no photo)
"you look so scared in one one of your pics.. it's okay...
i have been there. i was there yesterday, i am there now. it's ok. it is a very dark place. it's ok. i have a very strong support group. i would love to share with you.
do you want to share with me?
my name is danny."
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7) A tribute to the great e.e. cummings
(no picture)
"1 m K-T Hi there My names Eric.
Um lets see where do I start/
Ok why im up so late on craigslist ...
See it all started when th............ then I ......
No for Real Im just bored cant sleep my roomate is snoring
And I dont mean in a nice gental way ether I mean this guy
is a bear..haha Enough talkin crap about my roommate
What do I do for fun.... i study writing is what I do... Kind of a poet
just moved down here from Eugene Oregon and have been having
trouble making friends.. Also just lost my job about 2 weeks ago...thats
a bummer I mean as a Chef you think I could find a good job,
Hope to hear from you ! Cho
Eric"
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6) For the woman who lives vicariously through high school yearbook photos.
"Hello.How are u?
I saw ur post on CL but u never mentioned ur age range,so I decided to give it a try.
I think ur very cute and since ur not sure what ur looking for there,can I suggest a friend to take u to watch the Lakers?I have great seats...
I'm asian,35(but I look 34!),5'9",175 lbs,very friendly,honest and understanding.Not much of a talker but a good listener...
Well,let me know if this sounds interesting to u.
Take care and have a wonderful day!"
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5) More yearbook fun + a smidgen of tan line badonkadonk
"I am 32, 5'10, 160, single no kids, college educated software consultant, d&d free, emotionally and financially secure. I live in Pasadena and I am looking to expand my current circle of friends. Please send your contact information if interested."
Thanks -Chris.
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4) I was really into this guy when I saw the first photo but the second one made me think that he was a bit tooooo much of an intellectual. Like, the type of guy that will spend over an hour explaining the nuances of that one Steadicam shot in that obscure Kurosawa film that was the most postmodern act of cinematography ever to grace this earth. It only makes it more profound that he's sitting on a grave while thinking about this shit.
"If you like what you see and feeling a brotha, hit me back on my personal which is feelthisbrotha at ya hoo dot cum or just call me direct on my cell which is 323 684-xxxx & my name is Jock, stay sweet sexy,later
J "
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3) Our bronze medal winner's personality shines through his concern for the upper class' educational costs.
"...why are you holding that pillow..???....baby bump perhaps.....did a celebrity knock you up after a bicycle party...???.......hmmm...plz be careful out there....the cost of private school isescalating...!!"
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2) Second place goes to the bachelor with X-ray vision.
(no photo)
"I can tell you have big PUSSYLABIA...am I right?
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1) Last but not least, our #1 bachelor, the scrumptious Marlon - my soulmate in heaven
"You are cute. I have something hard for you.
A riddle? perhaps.
what is it that I have hard for you?
facts, cold hard numbers regarding the economic downturn. I noticed that you are NOT looking for sex, so it is anyones guess what the answer woudl have been otherly.
Yeah, I make up words.
Cause I'm allowed to.
I am an aries.
mmmmhm,
yeah and I actually amde that sound as I wrote it ...mmmmhmmm, ahhhhh feels good. don't it?
Well, I would like to hang out...you seem like my type and shit and whatever.
But yeah, I have no game. So if you are into Monopoly..you will not be knocking that shit over on my floor.
BITCH.
damn dog keeps walking in the room.
sorry.
yeah
ummmhmmmm
Marlon"
