judge holden

top 10 craigslist personal ad responses

Jesus walks. Pigs fly. The sky rains men. This blog gets updated twice in one month.

Yes, miracles happen. And although the raining men thing doesn't happen as often as I'd like... 

...when it rains, it pours.

 

You see, a couple of months ago, I was bored at 3AM and decided to go on a craigslist online dating safari. My w4m post was standard: occupation, hobbies, interests, photo, a few jokes about midgets. I figured I'd get a handful of responses, mostly from uglies and people trying to send me pictures of their junk.

But this, this I did not expect. 600 e-mails. Every single one of them an intelligent, engaging response; all of them from men of a rare breed, a higher caliber. Greek gods. The kind of man your mother dreams about you marrying until she wakes up and hates herself for stupidly thinking you might ever have a chance.

I spent quite a few days trying to decide which of these chiseled studs I would propose to immediately over e-mail. I ended up replying to all of them. Three months and 600 relationships later, disaster struck - in a fit of PMS-charged insanity, I accepted a job offer in the Bay Area and moved, forever destroying any prospect I would ever have for a happy marriage. But while life giveth and taketh away, I only giveth. In fact, I'm givething you the chance to get to know not one, but ten (10!!!) of my favorite Prince Charmings. Now that I'm no longer around, they're all ripe for the picking.

Warning: The seductive language and come-hither expressions below may lead to feelings best described as "hot and bothered." In order to cope with such feelings, I am glad to introduce you to any of these fine specimens, provided that you don't mind my sloppy seconds.

(Note: These are all ACTUAL responses I actually got back in November to a perfectly normal w4m posting. Some of the best ones didn't come with any pictures, but some of them came with really sensual pictures, which should make up for it. You win some, you lose some).

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10) I didn't thing I knew him, but I sure wantsted to.

(no photo)

"wants to know more about u,i thing u know me...
i look for a gf and who can take and taking care each other."

I didn't respond, but the next day I got this from him:

"can we meet???"

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9) I found this email to be more endearing than funny. Ignore it and just look at the priceless photo.

"Work in photography, still goin to school.. Takin my time there, yet I may just gather some units and go be a superhero.. Or just a cop.. Save a cat fro ma tree one day at a time.. But yeah, well, ill include an awesome pic of my wonderful self, and if it sparx and interest, guess get back to me? Either way, take care."

 

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8) Everyone loves a philanthropist.

(no photo)

"you look so scared in one one of your pics.. it's okay...

i have been there. i was there yesterday, i am there now. it's ok. it is a very dark place. it's ok. i have a very strong support group. i would love to share with you.

do you want to share with me?

my name is danny."

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7) A tribute to the great e.e. cummings

(no picture)

"1 m K-T Hi there My names Eric.
Um lets see where do I start/
Ok why im up so late on craigslist ...
See it all started when th............ then I ......
No for Real Im just bored cant sleep my roomate is snoring
And I dont mean in a nice gental way ether I mean this guy
is a bear..haha Enough talkin crap about my roommate
What do I do for fun.... i study writing is what I do... Kind of a poet
just moved down here from Eugene Oregon and have been having
trouble making friends.. Also just lost my job about 2 weeks ago...thats
a bummer I mean as a Chef you think I could find a good job,

Hope to hear from you ! Cho
Eric"

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6) For the woman who lives vicariously through high school yearbook photos.

"Hello.How are u?
I saw ur post on CL but u never mentioned ur age range,so I decided to give it a try.
I think ur very cute and since ur not sure what ur looking for there,can I suggest a friend to take u to watch the Lakers?I have great seats...
I'm asian,35(but I look 34!),5'9",175 lbs,very friendly,honest and understanding.Not much of a talker but a good listener...
Well,let me know if this sounds interesting to u.
Take care and have a wonderful day!"

 

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5) More yearbook fun + a smidgen of tan line badonkadonk

"I am 32, 5'10, 160, single no kids, college educated software consultant, d&d free, emotionally and financially secure. I live in Pasadena and I am looking to expand my current circle of friends. Please send your contact information if interested."
Thanks -Chris.
 

 

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4) I was really into this guy when I saw the first photo but the second one made me think that he was a bit tooooo much of an intellectual. Like, the type of guy that will spend over an hour explaining the nuances of that one Steadicam shot in that obscure Kurosawa film that was the most postmodern act of cinematography ever to grace this earth. It only makes it more profound that he's sitting on a grave while thinking about this shit.

  "If you like what you see and feeling a brotha, hit me back on my personal which is feelthisbrotha at ya hoo dot cum or just call me direct on my cell which is  323 684-xxxx & my name is Jock, stay sweet sexy,later
J "

 

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3) Our bronze medal winner's personality shines through his concern for the upper class' educational costs.

"...why are you holding that pillow..???....baby bump perhaps.....did a celebrity knock you up after a bicycle party...???.......hmmm...plz be careful out there....the cost of private school isescalating...!!"

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2) Second place goes to the bachelor with X-ray vision.

(no photo)

"I can tell you have big PUSSYLABIA...am I right?

Am I right?

 

I have this talent...and I am always right...

 

please confirm I am and don t be embarassed.

 

Do you know what pussylabia are?

maybe you don't;)

30 years old italian professional in west LA.

 

Thanks"

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1) Last but not least, our #1 bachelor, the scrumptious Marlon - my soulmate in heaven

"You are cute. I have something hard for you. 
A riddle? perhaps.
what is it that I have hard for you?
facts, cold hard numbers regarding the economic downturn. I noticed that you are NOT looking for sex, so it is anyones guess what the answer woudl have been otherly.
Yeah, I make up words. 
Cause I'm allowed to.
I am an aries.
mmmmhm,
yeah and I actually amde that sound as I wrote it ...mmmmhmmm, ahhhhh feels good. don't it?
Well, I would like to hang out...you seem like my type and shit and whatever.
But yeah, I have no game. So if you are into Monopoly..you will not be knocking that shit over on my floor.
BITCH.
damn dog keeps walking in the room.
sorry.
yeah
ummmhmmmm
 
Marlon"

 

semantics fail

I would say this is the quote of the day, but it is likely the quote of the year, considering how often I update this thing.

Me: So what is your favorite kind of cheese?

B: Well, I don't know if I have a favorite but here's one: "Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?" Oh, and there's always "If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses you would see the 12 most beautiful things in the world..."

Me: I was actually thinking about real cheese. Like, your favorite kind to eat. I like gruyere.

B: Wow. Fail.

wait, why am I moving to San Francisco?

So recently I had a conversation that went something like this:

Hippie: I would love to be a bartender because you can meet all kinds of people and hear their stories!
Me: That's true, but you have to deal with so many messy drunk people. I personally couldn't handle that.
Hippie: Yeah, well, maybe you're just close minded!

Gosh, you say that like it's a bad thing.

I mean, sure, it's good to entertain different opinions and try new things, but not at the cost of having a value system. The things you are judgmental (or not judgmental) about determine your personality and core values, and thus make you an individual. For example, who would I be if I didn't talk shit about hippies for being into free love, excessive drug use, bad hygiene, and calling me close minded about the dumbest shit?

Here's a pretty extreme example. Have you ever met someone who likes everything and everyone? People like that are always reeeeeally nice, never judge you for anything, and therefore are impossible to openly dislike. But at the same time, they have no personality of their own. It's like they're alien robots from the planet Kind or something. Their total open-mindedness and inability to pass judgment on anything more meaningful than their favorite breakfast cereal is, on some level, loathsome.

And best quantified in chart form.

raised from the dead

A recent poll of devoted Judge Holden readers found that 100% would like to see this blog revived, the margin of error being 0 percentage points because I made sure to track down all three of them.

In all honesty, I simply ran out of things to write about. I mean, I could tell you all about my steamy affair with unemployment. Or write epic poetry about my Blackberry surviving a 60-foot roller coaster fall at Six Flags. Or maybe you haven't heard enough Palin jokes yet? But you, o valiant seeker of wit on the internetz, you are a most discerning reader. I wouldn't have dared to disappoint you. You have a most refined palate when it comes to your blog-reading.

This also probably means you are a hipster. But I digress.

From now on, I'm going to try reeeeaaally hard to think of things to write about. Know that it's mainly for selfish reasons. Unemployment has got me feeling restless, uninspired, and materialistic and I figure writing this thing is the last semi-creative outlet I have left. And whatever part of my brain is involved in writing this blog is probably the only part that hasn't turned into post-grad mush yet. This same part must also be involved in processing baby animals, because cuteoverload.com still makes a lot of sense to me, unlike algebra.

So anyway, happy Obama. Now that we've gotten all that out of the way, we can finally focus on some real social issues, namely the growing addiction that is plaguing the people of America: the digital camera. I was at a Hot Chip show a few weeks ago -- they're a blast live, by the way -- and this one girl near me stood with her back to the stage the whole time because she was taking pictures of herself with the band in the background. I mean, I understand we all need our MySpace angles to feel validated sometimes, but when you actually spend money (in this case, $40) just to seek out the perfect photographic background for your fix, it's time to think about rehab. If you or a loved one are abusing and need help, I hear there's a cure called Polaroid that forces you to photograph in moderation. In all seriousness, it concerns me that people are taking so many pictures these days that they're forgetting to put down the camera and actually experience the places, things, and events they are photographing. It's one thing to capture memories, but I'm willing to bet that the majority of photoholics never look twice at the 3,492 photos of New Year's Eve that didn't make it into a Facebook album.

Okay, so it's always fun when I end my post with a funny picture or a picture of shoes. But I haven't bought any shoes lately. I'm sorry, but today you'll have to settle for something cute instead.

(http://thecutest.info)