judge holden

raised from the dead

A recent poll of devoted Judge Holden readers found that 100% would like to see this blog revived, the margin of error being 0 percentage points because I made sure to track down all three of them.

In all honesty, I simply ran out of things to write about. I mean, I could tell you all about my steamy affair with unemployment. Or write epic poetry about my Blackberry surviving a 60-foot roller coaster fall at Six Flags. Or maybe you haven't heard enough Palin jokes yet? But you, o valiant seeker of wit on the internetz, you are a most discerning reader. I wouldn't have dared to disappoint you. You have a most refined palate when it comes to your blog-reading.

This also probably means you are a hipster. But I digress.

From now on, I'm going to try reeeeaaally hard to think of things to write about. Know that it's mainly for selfish reasons. Unemployment has got me feeling restless, uninspired, and materialistic and I figure writing this thing is the last semi-creative outlet I have left. And whatever part of my brain is involved in writing this blog is probably the only part that hasn't turned into post-grad mush yet. This same part must also be involved in processing baby animals, because cuteoverload.com still makes a lot of sense to me, unlike algebra.

So anyway, happy Obama. Now that we've gotten all that out of the way, we can finally focus on some real social issues, namely the growing addiction that is plaguing the people of America: the digital camera. I was at a Hot Chip show a few weeks ago -- they're a blast live, by the way -- and this one girl near me stood with her back to the stage the whole time because she was taking pictures of herself with the band in the background. I mean, I understand we all need our MySpace angles to feel validated sometimes, but when you actually spend money (in this case, $40) just to seek out the perfect photographic background for your fix, it's time to think about rehab. If you or a loved one are abusing and need help, I hear there's a cure called Polaroid that forces you to photograph in moderation. In all seriousness, it concerns me that people are taking so many pictures these days that they're forgetting to put down the camera and actually experience the places, things, and events they are photographing. It's one thing to capture memories, but I'm willing to bet that the majority of photoholics never look twice at the 3,492 photos of New Year's Eve that didn't make it into a Facebook album.

Okay, so it's always fun when I end my post with a funny picture or a picture of shoes. But I haven't bought any shoes lately. I'm sorry, but today you'll have to settle for something cute instead.

(http://thecutest.info)

top 10 pelican books from way back when

While technology around us is improving at lightning speeds, I have come to the conclusion that the art of the book cover is, in fact, regressing. You see, book covers and their corresponding titles used to tell it like it is. They disregarded political correctness for old-fashioned honesty. They were simple, but profound. They told truths we were afraid to admit to ourselves. Nowadays we have book covers with all this abstract art mumbo-jumbo and vague titles, so of course you can't judge a book by its cover. Not anymore, that is. (Pictures thanks to Jason, Things Magazine, and Pelican Books)

10. Thomas, you're my boyfriend and I like you plenty, but I've always known that you share a secret language with monkeys. You men, you think you can fool us, but we see you at the zoo, whispering into the chimp's cage; we see you in the forest, howling for your orangutan friends; we see you in the theatre watching King Kong, encouraging the animated beast in your native ape-man tongue. Plus you all act like gorillas, which doesn't really help your cause.

9. The first all-encompassing instruction manual to this dangerous mammalian species! With chapters like "Your Taxi Driver is Always a Terrorist" and "On the Eighth Day Satan Created Iraqis," your whole family is sure to love this book for years to come! And guess what!? If you call right now, we'll give you this guide for only 19.99, and we'll even throw in a FREE Koran for you to burn in the comfort of your own home. Yes, America, now is the time for you to see your enemy interact in its natural habitat! No CODs, must be 18 or older to call, Huckabee 08 sticker sold separately.

8. Fuck the system! We're going to bake a layer cake out of it, and then we're gonna decorate it with rainbow sprinkles, and then we're gonna fucking eat it. I'm gonna stuff my face with your capitalist bullshit! I'm gonna make you bleed through layers of Coolwhip!

7. Clearly they hadn't discovered Carl Sagan or particle physics yet.

6. Sir yes sir, we have already ravaged every single Iraqi woman in the area. It seems we have no choice tonight but to call in those tight young Blackwater men. Sir yes sir, a group discount is available on Mondays. Right away, sir.

5. Mommy, look! Colored people even live in colored houses!

4. Sir, we regret to inform you that your job just got pwned. In more ways than one. Do not pass "Go." Do not collect $200.

3. Woah, lowly freshman, have some respect, you're talking to a senior citizen here. Yeah, you heard me. Excuse me? You say I can't be one since I'm only 20? Well, go anal yourself. I am a citizen, and I have seniority over you, so I'm definitely the senior citizen here. When I'm 74 and you're 72 I'll still be the senior citizen, but you'll just be an old person.

2. Just because you're really turned on right now does not mean you like child pornography. No no, I totally believe you, you were just checking out her rack, I get it. Okay, shut up already, it's becoming less believable the more defensive you get...

1. YES, SINCE YOU ASKED, I AM FUCKING PMSING. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I FEEL? THIS IS HOW I FUCKING FEEL. LOOK AT THE FUCKING PICTURE.

one if by land

Fact: Two out of three people I know, when asked by me what they thought of today's results in Iowa, thought I was referring to sports scores. This is extremely dumb -- not because all college students should be at least vaguely aware of what's going on in their country (too much to ask) -- but because all of these people are my friends and should know by now that I hate watching sports, let alone discussing them. Tsk tsk.

But back to gubbernment. Let us celebrate this politically-charged day with the announcement of a new Iraq strategy made 'specially for my friend Mr. Bush. I am totally serious in my support of this strategy, not just because I thought of it myself (though that definitely weighs heavily), but because I honestly think that it would be infinitely more attractive to Mr. Presidente than any idea the Dems or Gops have floating around now.

It goes something like this: Bush announces an immediate pullout of troops from Iraq. As immediate as, say, next Tuesday. Okay, more like within a few months, realistically. Now, this is not to say he actually needs to MEAN it, all he has to do is make sure both Americans and Iraqis believe him. This will kill two birds with one stone: The American public will be appeased because they think Bush is finally coming to his senses, and Bush will be able to scare the shit out of the Iraqis (since they know we've put ourselves in a situation that will only get worse if we pull out right now, awesome). This will cause either of two things: 1) the Iraqi government will be so frightened by the implications of a quick pullout that they will finally attempt to get their shit together, or 2) the Iraqi government won't get anything done and chaos will erupt, therefore securing the need for American troops in Iraq for years to come. Either way, the result would be fabulous for Bush: If Iraq gets its shit together even temporarily, then Bush would get some fraction of those dreamy post-9/11 approval ratings back and possibly not be remembered as the worst president ever in the annals of history and make a Republican win in '08 slightly less impossible. If that doesn't work, he can say "at least I tried, so shut up" and no one will be able to say anything against that because it will actually be true (for once).

The moral of this story is: Iraq is EZ!